why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize