Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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