I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
50% drunk capacity currently
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
