Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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