uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
