Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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