if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
