Apparently every Tri-Delt knows what I did and I am blacklisted from ever dating anyone in that house.
Well ya you lied, told her you cared, took her virginity and then broke up with her at Christies Toy Box.
I honestly thought the dildo was a nice parting gift.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
my shit smells like andre
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
