She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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