half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize