First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
