do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
