According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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