I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
