Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
