ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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