all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
