We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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