Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
