Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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