just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Text me some of your sweat
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