Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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