Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i will never coherently bang her
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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