you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
