there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
