Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
