You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
