I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
His hands were made for my vagina.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
