break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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