I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
