see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
The Olympian is in my bed
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
