One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
