Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
