Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
