Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
