Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
