he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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