we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Randomize
