he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
