I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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