i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
