mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
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