I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
