well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize