New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
