You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
