i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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