Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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