I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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