M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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