Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
