I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
