your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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