Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
