Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
