when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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