I think im going to throw up on grandma
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
We left the knife in your bed.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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