ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
