My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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