Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
